The First Floor (Wivenhoe House)

Americans don't share the same language as English people. A North Carolinian recently tried to explain to me what a "biscuit" is. It looks like a heart attack in a giant scone, not a biscuit.

Americans also confuse the "ground floor" with the "first floor". I would like to explain what a ground floor is, and finally settle this matter of confusion for our brothers beyond the Atlantic.

This is a picture of Wivenhoe house. You can see the ground floor, tucked under the stairs. The ground floor is where the kitchens are and where the servants work. The Englishman' castle of a home would have a ground floor, but he would rarely set foot in it.

The first floor is at the top of that magnificent flight of steps. It is the first place he will step when he
enters his castle (unless it is raining, in which case he might enter via the stables, but that is another matter). You will notice that the height of the first floor is grand. Here are the rooms vulgarly called "reception" rooms today: the smoking room (where one has a smoke whilst waiting for the ladies), the lounge, usually a dining room, and a drawing room for (withdrawing at the end of the evening).

Above that is the second floor. Here are the bedrooms for the Englishman and his guests: sizable rooms, grand decor, and with picture-windows large enough to show off the splendour of his land to his guests that they might be impressed by his grandeur.

The floor above that, the third floor, is where the children and their nanny live. In some homes some of the staff may share this floor. However most of the servants are accommodated in attic rooms above that.

The concept of a ground floor is perhaps alien to the modern American architect. However, it is not a cellar (I believe you call them "basements", to set them apart from "apartments") as it is not underground. Cellars are for coal, and for storing food and wine. Especially wine. The ground floor is not a cellar, nor is it the first floor, so it is perhaps understandable that Americans have failed to grasp why our buildings have a ground floor.

Can I be 21 forever?

One of my colleagues celebrated a birthday yesterday. To maintain the illusion of youth, he suggested that we start counting years in hexadecimal rather than decimal.

Hexadecimal (counting in Base 16) is used a lot in computing. Hexadecimal is used to represent numbers to the programmer, which are stored internally with 4 binary bits (2 to the power of 4 is 16). Instead of decimally counting 8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16 etc, hexadecimal numbers increment as 8,9,A,B,C,D,E,F,10, etc. In maths terminology, we describe this as counting in base 16 (sometimes called radix 16).

Although most of the world counts in base 10 (decimal), other bases have been used historically as well: from base 12 we get the concept of dozens, 12 inches in a foot, and 12 old pennies to a shilling. 12 is very useful for trading, cooking and measuring because it can be divided by 2, by 3, by 4 and by 6 (whereas 10 can only be divided by 2 and by 5). The sexagesimal system (base 60) originates in ancient Sumeria, and is still used today on our clocks and in the way we keep time.

The most important question in the world is of course whether I can remain 21 for the rest of eternity. Can I be 21 forever just by changing the base of my counting system?

Most people are happy to use decimal until their 21st birthday. Upon reaching 22 (decimal), most people prefer not to divulge their true age in polite conversation. So, can I write my age as "21" by assuming a different base system?

In the tables below, each column represents a different base system: on the left is decimal (base 10), followed by base 11 and base 12. On each row is the same number (e.g. the same number of elapsed years) but represented in that base system.

So, I could celebrate being 21 (in decimal), then a year later I could celebrate being 20 (in base 11), then a year later I would be 21 (in base 11). I could continue doing this, being 20 then 21 in each subsquent base system ... which would confuse my friends, so it might be easier to be 21 for two years at a time.

By the time I get to my 60's I should really be counting in hexadecimal, which is quite nice really, because I'll still be in my '30s (hex) when I'm 63 (decimal).

For practical purposes, however, lying about one's age is hard work. I'm relaxed enough to tell people how old I really am, and just use decimal for everything - especially inches and minutes.*

* You will turn 11 million minutes old about 2 hours 40 minutes into the day before your 21st birthday (assuming counting in base 10).

A Christmas Present

What does one buy for the person who has everything?

My brother doesn't have everything. But he freely confesses that he has too much stuff. Like me, he is great at starting things and not finishing them off. He has a dozen kits part-built. He has a number of started projects, including various aspects of his garden railway.

In an attempt to regain control of the stuff-problem, he made a choice this Christmas not to ask for more stuff. This meant not asking for the things he wanted - because the thing he needed more than anything else was a bit of getting-on-with-it, and a bit of time.

Cuff-links make a good present for a man in his forties, because they are small. Biscuits and other edibles are good, because they can be shared, and they don't cause a storage problem. A matching pen and pencil: "just the thing I need - how nice" (Tom Lehrer). But after all the presents have been unwrapped, there is still a downer when I look to see if there are any more presents under the tree and realise, like an 8-year-old, that I didn't get that thing I had hoped for. Despite our logical reasoning, we still subconsciously set our expectations high, then we are surprised when we bump into disappointment. This is inevitable because of how we have made Christmas into a celebration of receiving gifts. Maybe we should rename it Presentsmas. I wonder if Baby Jesus (whose official birthday, just in case you hadn't worked it out, is the real reason for CHRISTmas) felt disappointed about receiving coins, incense and fragrance when what he really wanted was for people to worship him.

Back to my brother. He didn't want me to spend much money on a present, so he set the bar low: De-ionised water for his live steam locomotive. These iron Dragons are quite fussy about the sort of water they use. 5 litres of the stuff costs £3.50 in Halfords. It's even less exciting than socks. But I had a plan.

Based in the top left hand corner of Wales, Ivor the Engine was a popular children's TV series in Britain when we were kids, and similar dragons still puff and smoke around North Wales today. I stuck the above picture onto both sides of the container and wrapped it. It did the trick. His face lit up like a little boy at Christmas. Best present of the year.